Jacques the Blue Lobster

By: Kristin Featherman

Before I start the story of Jacques the Blue Lobster, I need to introduce Chuck Norris. One year, me and my boyfriend at the time, went to the Strawberry festival. We spent most of the evening at the concert and walking around looking at the booths. For some odd reason we decided to try and win a fish at one of the ping pong toss booths. This probably came about due to my constant complaining about having terrible luck at these types of games (and I was convinced that they were all rigged). My boyfriend, whose name is James Bond, is extremely competitive and always up for the challenge of proving me wrong. So, there we were at "Chuck's Goldfish" booth tossing expensive ping pong balls. Within ten minutes we won a fish. We were very excited and I was happy I won a fish (it was my toss) and he was happy he proved me wrong. After A few tosses we won more fish. I noticed a sign and it said "12 points gets you a large goldfish". Thirty bucks later we traded in our fish and coupons for a big fish. The one we picked was silver with orange, brown, and black spots on it. We were on our way to the car and trying to come up with a name.

James says, "It has to have 'Chuck' in it."

I roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"

He says, "Yeah! Like, Chuck, Chucky...." He gets really excited, "What about Chuck Norris or Upchuck?"

"No!" I already had to suffer him watching Walker, Texas Ranger ALL the time. I did not want to have to deal with it in my reality on a daily basis.

"Oh, come on! It's either Chuck Norris or Upchuck. I paid for him!"

"Fine." I growl, "You can call him Chuck Norris. I'm calling him Chuck."

Two years later, Chuck Norris has gone from a four inch long goldfish to a foot and a half long koi. He lived in a thirty gallon tank and was so big that he struggled to turn around. I felt sorry for him living in that too small tank with no friends. I told James this and he thought I was crazy to feel sorry for a big stupid fish and I think we ended up at the pet store to shut me up. We were browsing the aquarium isle and found the next size up. It was very expensive and we considered letting Chuck Norris go in the neighbor's pond. No, that would not be fair to a domesticated fish. Not that a domesticated fish lived any differently than a wild fish. James said he would like to keep Chuck Norris and he was going to save money to buy a bigger tank. We were leaving the store, and on our way out he stopped. He noticed something in a tank that looked like a blue shrimp walking around. He was obsessed and kept watching it crawl around. He just stared at it, mumbling. The label on the tank read "Blue Lobster $30". The next few times we came in the store to buy dog food he would do the same thing. Stare and mumble. So, when his birthday finally came around, I set out to buy the Blue Lobster. Before I bought him, I cornered a pet store employee. I had questions, serious life or death questions, that needed to be answered. I briefly explained the story behind Chuck Norris to the employee and told him how I had given him friends before and, well, Chuck Norris does not play nicely. The other creatures "disappeared". He told me more than once that it would be impossible for Chuck Norris to eat the Blue Lobster. I just stared at him suspiciously for a moment before continuing on a new stream of questions. He explained patiently how to care for the Blue Lobster and assured me once more that he would be fine and Chuck Norris would not try to eat him. I was still not sure that I wanted to believe this guy. I was about to buy the perfect gift for my boyfriend and I was not going to let this person ruin it. So, I bought a bunch of obstacles and houses for the Blue Lobster to hide in. Just in case.

By the time James' car rolled up the driveway, I had the Blue Lobster in the tank with all of his accessories. I positioned myself by the tank, beaming with pride. James came in the door and had a clear view of me. I skipped up to him and gave him a big hug and told him I bought Chuck some new things and he should go check it out. He gave me a look like, "it's my birthday and you bought things for Chuck Norris?" He sighed and walked over to the tank.

"Oh," He feigned shock, "Baby, I love what you've done..."

"Look harderrrrrrrrrrr." I said.

Then he saw it. He was so excited, he was jumping around and he was smiling so big it looked like it might get stuck that way.

"What should we name it?" He asked. He sat down and started to think about it.
I blurted out a name before he could come up with another ridiculous name like Chuck Norris. I bet you he was thinking about character's names from Walker, Texas Ranger.

"His name is Jacques!"

"What?" He frowned, "Jock?"

"Yes, Jacques. Like in Finding Nemo." I smirked at him.

On the second morning we had Jacques, I woke and walked over to feed Chuck Norris and him. To my horror, Jacques' exoskeleton was hovering around the bottom of the tank and, in my opinion, Chuck Norris looked very pleased. I, on the other hand, was very upset. I did not know what to do. I called the pet store and told them my Blue Lobster was dead. I could not believe I let myself trust that employee! They told me to bring my receipt, his dead body, and a sample of water he was living in. I gathered his remains from the tank and drove to the store. I came stomping in and found the same employee and made a bee line toward him. He saw me coming. I am sure he could tell I was mad. Lucky for him, he made no effort to hide from me. I shoved Jacques dead body in his face.

"Look! He's dead. You said Chuck Norris wouldn't eat him. You don't know Chuck Norris like I do!"

"Tell me what happened."

I told him about Jacques' living arrangements and Chuck Norris' violent history. I bought things to protect him from his giant friend and he still died.

"Look at him! Chuck sucked him right out of his exoskeleton! Even his eyes are missing." I put the bag to my face now and looked at it closely. I was about to cry. I felt terrible for killing Jacques and for ruining James' birthday present.

The employee had a confused look on his face and reached his hand out toward me.
"Do you mind if I take a look at him?" He said softly.

He took him and opened the baggy I had him in. He lifted him out and examined the body. When he was done, he half smiled at me and said, "Ma'am, I think he's fine."

I just stared at him. This man is REALLY dense. I handed him a dead body.

"Did you check the tank THOROUGHLY?" He asked.

"Of course I did!" What a stupid question. How thorough must one be when it is obvious the dead thing is not trying to hide. "It was floating in the open."

"Well," he said, "What stood out the most to me, is when you mentioned its eyes are missing."

Well, they should be frickin' missing if Chuck Norris ate him! Instead of saying this I mumbled, "Wadduya mean?"

He gave a nervous laugh, "Well, um...something I forgot to mention. They shed their shells when they grow. Two tell-tale signs are a rip here," he points to a part by the tail, "and the eyes are missing."

I stared at him.

"So, I suggest, you go look in your tank for him before you bring another one home."

I drove home quickly. My mind was bouncing back and forth through two emotions: Elation and Rage. If Jacques was alive, that meant I did something right. If he was not...What an idiot that man is if he's right. Why did he not tell me that they shed before? Why did I not know? Of course they shed! How else would they grow?

I ran up the stairs, threw open the door, rushed over to the tank and squatted down in front of it. I peered into the tank for a few moments and scoffed, "He's not in here." I stood up and was about to walk away to call the idiot employee when I saw something move. It was in the fake seaweed in the back corner of the tank. A large brown shrimp thing. It was Jacques. Another thing the stupid employee forgot to mention was the fact that after the lobster sheds its shell, it is brown. When the shell hardens up again, it turns back to blue.

I was exhausted from the whole ordeal and the emotional highs and lows I experienced were the type you hear hamsters dying from. I flopped onto the sofa by the tank and passed out with the front door open. It is a good thing I did not know, at that time, that Chuck Norris was going to eat Jacques eight months from now.

The Psychic/Psycho Driver

Usually when you are driving you give people plenty of space to be stupid since this is what they are good at especially behind the wheel of a car. When they end up doing something odd that you didn’t expect you usually think either one of two things. One, they have done the strange and potentially dangerous act and now are more alert to their weird driving ways and become a bit more cautious on the road. Or two, they repeat to do obnoxious things and unexpectedly. I almost always end up encountering the latter of the two and this one fine day was no exception.
I have learned from my driving experiences in cities such as Sarasota, the land of the newlywed and nearly dead, and Tampa, where everyone is in such a rush and heaven forbid you get in front of them under any circumstance, and now in Gainesville, which has proven to be the most unpredictable of all with its crazy college students mixed with people that I swear just learned how to drive and have a fear of driving anything but 5 under the speed limit.
The driver I encountered was a particularly special case that I had never had to deal with before driving on the roads of any city. I have learned to keep my distance from any cars that are driving at exactly the correct speed limit because they are probably thinking they are doing something wrong or they are about to do something wrong. Keeping to this strategy, I cruise along behind a dark green beat up car. Apparently this certain driver possessed a gift that I do not and instinctively knew when a traffic light was about to turn yellow. Imagine my surprise upon learning of this psychic gift when the driver in front of me slams on the breaks at a green light and comes to a complete stop just as the light changes from green to yellow. I thought the driver was just crazy and I didn’t suspect that they actually knew when the light would change but I was completely wrong in this assumption.
The light turned green again and we continue on in our adventure up the road while I have foolishly thought that the worst was over. Never would I have expected them to do the exact same thing a second time but this driver is a very talented individual and apparently enjoys showing off their gift of prophecy. Once again they had slammed on the breaks and came to a complete stop just before the traffic light has turned yellow. At this point I am getting a little annoyed because we could definitely make it through these lights before they have a chance at turning yellow but the driver in front of me had different plans apparently. As the light turns green once again, I wish I could go around them but of course all this happens while we are on a one lane road. The psychic driver decides to keep up this psychic practice of his for a complete number of five consecutive traffic lights before we finally merge onto a three lane street. Now I’m getting excited and feeling relieved that I can get around this insane driver.
Since we are in the far left lane at this point I decide to put my turn indicator on so that I could switch to the middle lane just as the driver puts on his left turn indicator. I feel so relieved at this point because I will finally be rid of him. Of course, I was wrong again. Even though he has put his left blinker on and I have started switching over to the middle lane, he decided to shock me even further when he flew across all three lanes to the right and then turns off his left blinker. What possesses a driver to put on the left indicator to turn to the right is completely beyond me.
Not trusting anything at all that this person is deciding to do, I take a detour down another street just to get away from him. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand what was happening in this person’s mind, but it definitely has trained me to become a more cautious driver that never believes what the other people around me are really doing what I think they are. Lesson learned.

Peacocks with ADD

This previous weekend I was paid a visit by my younger sister who made me realize just how much of an out of shape college student I am by taking me bowling. I was unaware of just how sore one’s legs and rear end could manage to become from simply rolling an eight pound ball down a slick lane. The next morning I was waddling down the three flights of stairs from my apartment to my car to attend French class. After a painful ten minute struggle to hoist myself in my car, I was on my way.

There is a zoo at my school and for one reason or another, there are a few animals that are permitted to roam the campus at their own leisure. As I parked I didn’t pay too much attention to the two male peacocks standing nearby other cars in the lot as I continued my penguin walk to class.

After class I was relieved at the realization I no longer had to sit in a hard chair and I found my way to my vehicle. Continuing my awkward stiff walk, I keep my eyes downcast to avoid any eye contact with fellow students who may be alarmed by my hobbit waddle.

When I get close to my car I am greeted by an alarming screech coming from in front of me which startles me and makes all my sore muscles tense up even more which caused a great deal of momentary pain. It appears that this peacock has decided that my car is now his and will not let me near his new toy. He continues screaming at me while strutting back and forth while I just stand awkwardly not knowing what one is supposed to do in a situation like this where one is confronted by a territorial bird. As another car drives by, the large bird is startled and tries to turn between two cars and becomes wedged for a second and a half and his immediate reaction is to start flailing. I still haven’t moved from my original position as I stare in disbelief that such a strange thing is happening before me.

After this new car parks nearby, the peacock decides to defend his territory and struts over to the new intruder. To make matters worse for this deranged creature, there is now a threatening looking peacock staring him down from inside the vehicles shiny bumper which is a threat that requires much more urgent attention than guarding his new car he had claimed. Seeing this as my opening to quickly hobble to my car door, I ease myself in and take off to try and make it back up the three flights of stairs to my cozy bed waiting for me.

How I love territorial peacocks with ADD.