Jacques the Blue Lobster

By: Kristin Featherman

Before I start the story of Jacques the Blue Lobster, I need to introduce Chuck Norris. One year, me and my boyfriend at the time, went to the Strawberry festival. We spent most of the evening at the concert and walking around looking at the booths. For some odd reason we decided to try and win a fish at one of the ping pong toss booths. This probably came about due to my constant complaining about having terrible luck at these types of games (and I was convinced that they were all rigged). My boyfriend, whose name is James Bond, is extremely competitive and always up for the challenge of proving me wrong. So, there we were at "Chuck's Goldfish" booth tossing expensive ping pong balls. Within ten minutes we won a fish. We were very excited and I was happy I won a fish (it was my toss) and he was happy he proved me wrong. After A few tosses we won more fish. I noticed a sign and it said "12 points gets you a large goldfish". Thirty bucks later we traded in our fish and coupons for a big fish. The one we picked was silver with orange, brown, and black spots on it. We were on our way to the car and trying to come up with a name.

James says, "It has to have 'Chuck' in it."

I roll my eyes and say, "Seriously?"

He says, "Yeah! Like, Chuck, Chucky...." He gets really excited, "What about Chuck Norris or Upchuck?"

"No!" I already had to suffer him watching Walker, Texas Ranger ALL the time. I did not want to have to deal with it in my reality on a daily basis.

"Oh, come on! It's either Chuck Norris or Upchuck. I paid for him!"

"Fine." I growl, "You can call him Chuck Norris. I'm calling him Chuck."

Two years later, Chuck Norris has gone from a four inch long goldfish to a foot and a half long koi. He lived in a thirty gallon tank and was so big that he struggled to turn around. I felt sorry for him living in that too small tank with no friends. I told James this and he thought I was crazy to feel sorry for a big stupid fish and I think we ended up at the pet store to shut me up. We were browsing the aquarium isle and found the next size up. It was very expensive and we considered letting Chuck Norris go in the neighbor's pond. No, that would not be fair to a domesticated fish. Not that a domesticated fish lived any differently than a wild fish. James said he would like to keep Chuck Norris and he was going to save money to buy a bigger tank. We were leaving the store, and on our way out he stopped. He noticed something in a tank that looked like a blue shrimp walking around. He was obsessed and kept watching it crawl around. He just stared at it, mumbling. The label on the tank read "Blue Lobster $30". The next few times we came in the store to buy dog food he would do the same thing. Stare and mumble. So, when his birthday finally came around, I set out to buy the Blue Lobster. Before I bought him, I cornered a pet store employee. I had questions, serious life or death questions, that needed to be answered. I briefly explained the story behind Chuck Norris to the employee and told him how I had given him friends before and, well, Chuck Norris does not play nicely. The other creatures "disappeared". He told me more than once that it would be impossible for Chuck Norris to eat the Blue Lobster. I just stared at him suspiciously for a moment before continuing on a new stream of questions. He explained patiently how to care for the Blue Lobster and assured me once more that he would be fine and Chuck Norris would not try to eat him. I was still not sure that I wanted to believe this guy. I was about to buy the perfect gift for my boyfriend and I was not going to let this person ruin it. So, I bought a bunch of obstacles and houses for the Blue Lobster to hide in. Just in case.

By the time James' car rolled up the driveway, I had the Blue Lobster in the tank with all of his accessories. I positioned myself by the tank, beaming with pride. James came in the door and had a clear view of me. I skipped up to him and gave him a big hug and told him I bought Chuck some new things and he should go check it out. He gave me a look like, "it's my birthday and you bought things for Chuck Norris?" He sighed and walked over to the tank.

"Oh," He feigned shock, "Baby, I love what you've done..."

"Look harderrrrrrrrrrr." I said.

Then he saw it. He was so excited, he was jumping around and he was smiling so big it looked like it might get stuck that way.

"What should we name it?" He asked. He sat down and started to think about it.
I blurted out a name before he could come up with another ridiculous name like Chuck Norris. I bet you he was thinking about character's names from Walker, Texas Ranger.

"His name is Jacques!"

"What?" He frowned, "Jock?"

"Yes, Jacques. Like in Finding Nemo." I smirked at him.

On the second morning we had Jacques, I woke and walked over to feed Chuck Norris and him. To my horror, Jacques' exoskeleton was hovering around the bottom of the tank and, in my opinion, Chuck Norris looked very pleased. I, on the other hand, was very upset. I did not know what to do. I called the pet store and told them my Blue Lobster was dead. I could not believe I let myself trust that employee! They told me to bring my receipt, his dead body, and a sample of water he was living in. I gathered his remains from the tank and drove to the store. I came stomping in and found the same employee and made a bee line toward him. He saw me coming. I am sure he could tell I was mad. Lucky for him, he made no effort to hide from me. I shoved Jacques dead body in his face.

"Look! He's dead. You said Chuck Norris wouldn't eat him. You don't know Chuck Norris like I do!"

"Tell me what happened."

I told him about Jacques' living arrangements and Chuck Norris' violent history. I bought things to protect him from his giant friend and he still died.

"Look at him! Chuck sucked him right out of his exoskeleton! Even his eyes are missing." I put the bag to my face now and looked at it closely. I was about to cry. I felt terrible for killing Jacques and for ruining James' birthday present.

The employee had a confused look on his face and reached his hand out toward me.
"Do you mind if I take a look at him?" He said softly.

He took him and opened the baggy I had him in. He lifted him out and examined the body. When he was done, he half smiled at me and said, "Ma'am, I think he's fine."

I just stared at him. This man is REALLY dense. I handed him a dead body.

"Did you check the tank THOROUGHLY?" He asked.

"Of course I did!" What a stupid question. How thorough must one be when it is obvious the dead thing is not trying to hide. "It was floating in the open."

"Well," he said, "What stood out the most to me, is when you mentioned its eyes are missing."

Well, they should be frickin' missing if Chuck Norris ate him! Instead of saying this I mumbled, "Wadduya mean?"

He gave a nervous laugh, "Well, um...something I forgot to mention. They shed their shells when they grow. Two tell-tale signs are a rip here," he points to a part by the tail, "and the eyes are missing."

I stared at him.

"So, I suggest, you go look in your tank for him before you bring another one home."

I drove home quickly. My mind was bouncing back and forth through two emotions: Elation and Rage. If Jacques was alive, that meant I did something right. If he was not...What an idiot that man is if he's right. Why did he not tell me that they shed before? Why did I not know? Of course they shed! How else would they grow?

I ran up the stairs, threw open the door, rushed over to the tank and squatted down in front of it. I peered into the tank for a few moments and scoffed, "He's not in here." I stood up and was about to walk away to call the idiot employee when I saw something move. It was in the fake seaweed in the back corner of the tank. A large brown shrimp thing. It was Jacques. Another thing the stupid employee forgot to mention was the fact that after the lobster sheds its shell, it is brown. When the shell hardens up again, it turns back to blue.

I was exhausted from the whole ordeal and the emotional highs and lows I experienced were the type you hear hamsters dying from. I flopped onto the sofa by the tank and passed out with the front door open. It is a good thing I did not know, at that time, that Chuck Norris was going to eat Jacques eight months from now.